Personal Community Building

WORK IN PROGRESS! So don’t judge too heavily.

Introduction

I believe that a strong community with a sense of belonging and a sense of being seen/known is the key to a good life and happiness. I believe that with the erosion of various social structures (like religion), there are less pre-formed communities for people to plug into/join. I believe that this is unfortunate, but it gives us the opportunity to take it into our own hands and gather people that we love the most into a community of our own. I call this personal community building and it is a little bit different than traditional community. It is more of a network of personal friendships of varying strengths across your life rather than a group of people that have some kind of shared characteristic, attitudes, etc.

Why Center Friendship?

I believe that personal community building happens through friendship. You cultivate friendship with individuals but this can be done in a one-on-one or group setting.

• its good for your emotional health
  • loneliness = bad
  • feeling understood and seen = good
• all friends bring something new to the table and variety is the spice of life
• it allows you to have a robust support network
• you should center friendships of all types
  • all (non-transactional) relationships should be about friendship (even romantic ones)
  • Developing a Non-Hierarchical View of Friendships
  • In Defense of Medium Friends

How to Center Friendship

• make time for friends even (or especially) if you have a romantic partner
• have keeping and making friends as a top priority (doesn’t have to be #1 tho)
• make it clear to your friends how much you care about them and what you are willing to do for them if they need it

How to Find and Make Friends

Finding and making friends as an adult is just like dating, why do you think there’s things like Bumble BFF?

• enter spaces for people who share hobbies/interests with you
  • community meetups
  • work business resource groups
  • volunteering
• if you find someone interesting, find a low stakes way of getting in touch with them
  • if you asking for their number is too scary, you can ask for Instagram or some other form of social media
  • if inviting them to your house intimidates you, invite them out somewhere
    • get a drink (bar or cafe) somewhere that is conducive toward conversation
    • if you have other friends doing something already, ask if you can bring this new person along (if you think they’ll be able to connect)
  • strike while the iron is hot and try to plan something if you’re actually serious about connecting with this person
    • “we should definitely hang out!” <– two people that will never hang out
• try to mix friend groups
  • friends of friends are more likely to be compatible with each other
  • cultivate a culture of introducing friends to each other
    • you may have to be straightforward at first and ask someone if they have friends that they think that you’d vibe with
  • injecting new people into a group let’s everyone get to know each other more even people you already “know” because it gives you more license to ask basic intro questions or spur conversions with new activations
• invite people to things
  • inviting people to things gives you small insights into their lives when they are busy and say they can’t make an event
    • it also increases the chance of you getting invited to something else
  • if there aren’t spaces to meet people or mix people, then you may have to create it yourself

How to Keep Friends (and Deepen Relationships)

• Reach Out First
• Do an activity together
  • playing/watching sports
  • book club
  • reality TV watching
  • arts & crafts
• Create space over time for emotional vulnerability and intimacy
  • if deeper conversations don’t occur either ask yourself why they aren’t happening or start them yourself (can use conversation card games like WNRS)
• Go on a trip together
  • Can even be a day trip together, its just about experiencing new things and forming positive memories together

Supplementary Readings

1. Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Marisa G. Franco
2. The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen
3. Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam