Dates aren't always for two

Dates don't always have to be optimized for both parties to enjoy it.

This stub was tagged with: Dating

This stub was born on November 14, 2023.


In a now privated TikTok video created by @em.loves.me, they advanced the idea of a “pander date”: a date planned by one partner to pander to the likes and interests of the other.

This leads us to the question of how should a date be optimized?

  • In the beginning of a relationship it should be about creating ways to simultaneously have fun and to get to know each other, especially in the early days of courtship where you are still trying to feel each other out.
    • It’s conceivable for these to be fun for the other person but not you but it doesn’t really make sense on why you would do this
    • Inversely it makes even less sense why you would structure a date that’s fun for you but not the other person
  • Really I think that dates should be structured for net joy to be positive
    • The pander planner might not enjoy the act of the date itself but they should absolutely feel secondhand joy from their partner’s enjoyment

Not everything in a relationship has to be enjoyed by both parties

  • You and your partners can have different hobbies and that’s okay
    • In the same vein, you don’t always have to engage in their hobby with them
    • At the very least you should respect and be generally interested in their hobby/how you spend their time, but it’s okay if you don’t really understand everything that’s going on

At the end of the day, people just want to be seen, and I think that a pander date very directly can demonstrate this. So in this way, I think that pander dates are a great idea and I would love to see more people put it into practice!


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